Mumbling Monday

Happy Monday!

Monday always a very tough day for me.
 I know I shouldn't say like this ( need to think positive) but this is reality.
 I always want Monday just disappear very fast or never exist but God already create it so I cannot do anything about it.
Today, I just feel not right, bad mood all day long because people keep messed up with me in early morning.
I really hate this...Don't mess with me in early morning.. I will in bad mood for the whole day!
One thing that burn up all these bad mood is I feel don't right with myself. I really hate myself because of my bad attitude. I know, nobody is perfect but I really hate myself for being me. I hate myself start from my appearance, my styles, my face, my behavior toward money, peoples and above all of that, I never feel any happiness at all.
I don't want blame other people because of this. This is just me.
How to find truly happiness actually?
If I search on Google, there will be a lot of suggestions but I'm sure that won't make me find the happiness, I can be happy but in short time.
Maybe, I don't have much people around me lately.
Honestly, I am lonely and nobody take care of me. Everyone is move away from me because I don't have everything.
I know, you probably said I got my siblings to share all these kind of sadness. Yes, I got sibling but I feel its not right to share all my sadness and painful moment with them, I feel bad to do that. Sometime I told my sister what I am feel but it still cannot make me feel relief, I don't know how can make myself feel satisfy, truly stronger and relieved.
I am kind of desperate right?
I am so desperate to find the true happiness..
I still have my God that can take care of me..Yes! God is always there.
But, honestly, I sometime cannot feel that GOD there for me, I am losing my faith in Him, my bad..I'm sorry, my mistake.
I don't trust anybody for making me happy because someday, they will leave me and I will be alone again, feel bad about myself everyday for my lose.
I promise myself to not love to people too much, its bad but I don't feel sad for the separation.
 We meet people for a reason and one day, they will getting away from our life.
There no people love you so much except you and your family.. Trust me, young girl!
First love always feel greatest but when its end, you will feel like world going to end..( for the first 4 month maybe).
Okay, honestly and frankly said I have a very bad relationship. I cannot blame anybody even though its look like I'm the one that can be blamed but I love myself so I wont blame myself no matter what.

Take it easy la, girl ( Thanks for this word to me..hehehe)

Thanks for reading..

Estelle Paya