Who am I, really?

It's been almost 3 months since we entered 2019 and I'm on my first year as 30s( I don't know why I need to mention this).
I thought I will be wiser when I come to this age and this new year...
I thought I will never bother to searching for my own identity as I thought I know myself very well now...
and I thought I always feel secure of myself more than before because I know my value.
BUT...
I'm all wrong!
I still searching for who am I really! I still feel insecure about myself.
I never thought this is never ending process.
Lets be honest here.
I hate myself even more this year. 
But, before that, I always be grateful for whatever I had in my life.
I'm blessed for having such a wonderful man in my life. That always show and showered me with love and attention, I never take this for granted.
I'm blessed with my family that always be there for me.
I'm blessed with the community I lived in.
I'm blessed having a good job that I never wanted to take for granted( but always do).
EXCEPT...
I hate myself even more this year because I am pressure myself to lose weight for my upcoming wedding day and I become less patient in my life.
When I realize I only have 5 months to go for my wedding, I suddenly feel scared and angry at myself. I hate myself for always do whatever I don't want to do. I don't know if that is the nature of being human being but the more I wanted to lose weight, the more I wanted to eat and I can't stop. I don't know why...
Everyone told me and I know that, everything its come from you first. You know what you want for yourself but still, I keep doing the opposite. I just don't understand myself. I keep eating more and more and I wanted more and more. When I see myself in the mirror or when I try my favorite clothes, I just don't like see myself.
On my blog, I always encourage young girls to love themselves no matter what their sizes or shape, I believe in, no matter what size you are, you are beautiful. I'm not lying about that.
But, I just don't like see myself this fat. I can't believe I will become like this.
I don't say being fat make you less beautiful. You're beautiful in whatever your body shape.
Just me.
I hate it being fat not because its not beautiful but I feel less confident with myself.
I just don't know what to do with myself at this moment.
Even you called me fat, I just fine with it ( masuk telinga kiri and keluar telinga kanan), not even hit my soul. I don't know how to make me so desperate to lose weight and be healthy.
If you have any tips, you can comment below.

Love,
Aya