Being negative is not bad at all, it's normal...

This week has been extra tough for me.

I HATE MYSELF MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE.

I continue to have a war with myself.

I'm trying to not to hate myself but I hate myself more. Maybe you will surprise I'm writing this kind of article on my blog. It's usually about a positive and encouraging post. But, I am human after all. I can't be positive all the time. There's a time I am so negative and trying my very best to be positive because I know the effect of that negativeness in my life. Please allow me to rumble and mumbling on my blog today.

Best Monday ever

Monday is a public holiday so there's no work and yeah! I love it so much! Super love it!

Tuesday Twister

Tuesday, it's a crazy day that makes my life this week crazier and upside down. I love when people criticized me in whatever way and I tried my best to learn. But, my heart and my mind are not taking it easy. My heart is exploded and feel so broken. I feel like my value is none. I start to question my past decisions. And, it makes me hate myself. I hate the old me that I thought was smart but such a dumb girl in the world. Because of my previous decisions, I faced the consequences now. It's hurt me so much. I cried the whole night on my own. I tell my best friend how hurt I am with this. It's so hurt I can't sleep well. I blame myself so much.

Wet Wednesday

Wednesday, I tried my best to go to work even I feel like I no longer wanted to be there but I need to because it's my responsibility and where I earned my living. I keep quiet the whole day because I feel sick of myself and I am not feeling so well. I just can't wait to go back home and rest or shut down! While I'm driving back home, I made a crazy wish, I wish I was hit by a car and just die! But, I still remember who is God and God loves me so I am safe! Being on my own when I'm like this is something that makes me feel like I want to give up! I told my fiancé and he really tries to help me to remember what's God plan for me but I just can't help myself being so negative. Besides that, I can't really tell him everything especially about my work, I don't him to feel sad or worry about me because it seems I am having my personal problem and it can be solved on my own.

Trust Thursday

Thursday, I feel like I wanna die!

My head and my body feel heavy and I remember my mum! I miss my mum! It's so crazy to feel so sick because of my mind. But, I turned to God and tell Him, I need Him and I miss Him so much. I don't know what will happen if there's no God in my life. I believe in Jesus Christ and I believe He always is there with me.

Friday yay!

On Friday which is today. I tried my harder to go further.

I tried my best not to quit but I want to improve myself while pray to God to open new doors for me. I am not wise when to make a decision, so I depend on God to give me permissions to close and open new doors. I don't what His plan in my life this moment but I believe in Him and I know, he prepared a great day ahead.

For now, let's hang in there!

Be happy and let's feel alive again, for REAL!

Let me know if you ever feel bad when being negative?

Love,

Aya